'Naked Pregnant Women' and 'How to lose weight Fast'

I checked my blog statistics yesterday, and was surprised to find that in the last month I’ve had 8000 pageviews.  In fact it seems to be going up and up every day.  So I drilled into the statistics. I found that the blog that has had the most views is the Ron Mueck Art Exhibition.  It has had 11,581 people look at the blog since I put it up last year.  Phenomenal.  That’s way ahead in comparison with the others…

Ron Mueck Art Exhibition	Added Dec 6, 2010	11,581 pageviews
Mr Tui	Added June 30, 2008	2,547 pageviews
Oscillopsia	Added Aug 2, 2010	2,158 pageviews

The rest of my blog posts are under 1000 hits.

Time to do some more investigation on why the Art Exhibition is getting the attention.

Where are the pageviews coming from? 

Google USA	9,812 referrals
Google New Zealand	3,730 referrals
Google UK	2,739 referrals
Google Australia	1,117 referrals

Big numbers – so what are they googling?

Scary stuff!

Naked Pregnant Women	678
Naked Pregnant	668
Can you see the cat	636
Pregnant Naked	249
Perky Boobs	242
Naked Pregnant woman	211
Naked Women	70

Conclusions:

• The naked pregnant woman sculpture as a piece of art in my Art Exhibition blog, is probably disappointing a lot of men looking for something else.

• I’m attracting a lot of men to my blog. 

• Australians aren't into naked pregnant women as much as other western countries.

• I am pondering ‘Can you see the cat’ 

It’s been suggested that I do a blog on ‘How to Lose Weight Fast’, to attract lots of women.  Not a bad idea really.  It’s simple.  Stop eating sugar and fatty foods!  (May I take on that advice for myself as well!)

Lastly, you may have noticed I now have advertisements on my blog.  Sorry about that, but I put these up late last year to see if it could cover my computer costs/internet costs.  I notice kiwibank is advertising there – they’re probably attracted to my large number of pageviews per month (8000).  I’m sad to say they will probably be disappointed in the 4 clicks they’ve had.  I’ve made a total of $1.85c. An average of 45c a month.  $5.40 a year.  I can see I won’t be a billionaire tycoon anytime soon, but I live in hope!

An Excellent Vibrating Alarm Clock

Funny videos


Remember in my last blog I said I slept in and missed the Camera Club trip. Now if I had this as an alarm clock, I doubt whether I would ever sleep in again.

Not sure the cat would like it though. I can easily see this as a huge seller within the Deaf Community.

What I have to put up with!

Cat:  "Oh God - Leave us ALONE - can't you see we're trying to SLEEP???

Every evening at about 9.30pm at night, my cat Kassia, this tiny thing here, starts yelling at me to go to bed.  When I say yell - I mean yell!  She's so keen to get to bed, she's often already under the covers while I'm trying to actually get under them myself.     Once I'm finally ensconced under covers, she crawls up, puts her head on my arm or pillow, lies exactly like this as you see above, and goes to sleep.  Occasionally she puts her paw on my face.  I try to believe that she's caressing me because she loves me, but the truth of the matter is that she's probably trying to stop me from breathing on her.  

The feeling is mutual.  I hate her breathing on me, but I at least can turn my head so why can't she???  Do I have to have a paw stuck over my nose and mouth?

I wake up in the morning and she is still there in the same position.  I usually have to force her to get up so I can, but heck - it's winter at the moment so a lie in every now and then is okay isn't it?

One thing I have to ask - is - what on earth would happen if I got a partner?  Where would the cat sleep then?

Photo was taken by Evelyn Gauntlett while she was visiting me last week !

The Bra Fence

Remember my blogpost last year about Havelock's Shoe Fence?  If you've forgotten, you can find it here...

http://robyncarter.blogspot.com/2008/12/day-4-havelock-to-picton-shoe-fence.html

Well, Nikki came down for a long weekend last week, and while driving back home from Nelson after a day of doing cafe's and art galleries there, we detoured to have a look at Cable Bay on the way home.

Cable bay was very pretty, even though the tide was out.  It's a marine reserve, so the waters are protected and there's a few walks or hikes you can do as well.  Definitely going back there when my ankle is better...

The surrounding countryside was pretty too.  I found a sheep and geese farm...

Most New Zealand farms are sheep and beef, or dairy, or just plain sheep, so this one was different!!!  (You do realise I"m having you on don't you?)

And in front of this was the Bra Fence...

As you can see there are all shapes, sizes, and colours, and there were even a pair of boxers thrown in.  But I'm curious.  Do people see this fence, want to be part of it, and as they drive past, strip their bra off and add it to the collection?

The reason I'm asking is that if you look closely, there are some bras there that are seriously, well,  Large.  Huge over shoulder boulder holders.  If girls just stripped them off there and then, it would be a bit of a worry.  Because, there's a chance if the car went over a pot hole once they left, that they then could knock out the driver.  Dangerous driving indeed.

And then there's the expense...

I know Bra's are a dime a dozen in the USA, and even in England in Marks and Sparks, but here in NZ we pay premium  prices.  NZ boobs are holstered in pricey stuff.  So it makes me wonder why people are racing to add theirs to a fence.  In the middle of nowhere.  I was almost tempted to try some on.  Some were in such good condition, but there were no fitting rooms so I had to refrain.

But hangon - what's that?  These bras are hosting a whole new ecosystem....

Here is the Male Orichalcum Vas Aranea,  more commonly known as the Boobus Holderus Spider (Thanks Henry).   Only a male would make himself comfortable there right?   It is the sole reason I didn't try any on!!

Oh - and rest assured, neither Nikki or I added anything to the fence.  Nikki was driving and I valued my life!

Rules For My Slave - by Kassia Carter

The Little Brown Burmese Cat with a Big Personality

1).Wake up time in the mornings is 6am. Licking your nose and chin means I'm HUNGRY and you MUST get up and do something about it. Do not go back to sleep.

2). When I paw your face it means I want to be tickled. FOREVER. You will not stop and go back to sleep.  Tickle Me!

3). When I YELL at the door I want it OPEN. I may not necessarily WANT to go outside. If it's cold toughen up.  Go and buy a fur coat. LEAVE it open or I will carry on YELLING!

4). If I'm on the bench in the Kitchen I'm HUNGRY. Feed me. I will NOT get down until there is food on my plate.

5).When I am on top of the Kitchen Cupboards and want to get down. I will CALL you. I CANNOT jump down the same way I got up. You MUST come over and present your back so I can JUMP on you. I will do this as often as I like.

6). IF I am on my back I WANT my tummy rubbed. HARDER. LONGER. FOREVER. DON'T STOP!

7).IF I am talking to you I EXPECT an answer. I will talk as LONG and as LOUD as I like. You will keep replying.

8). If I want to sit on your knee, I will do so. I do not CARE what you are doing at the time, or what you have on your knee. I WILL fit regardless.

9). If I've been out in the rain and come in all WET, then I will DRY myself on the nearest human. I will NOT tolerate a towel. Only warm dry Humans will suffice.

10). Bedtime is 9.30pm SHARP. You will come at ONCE. If you don't I will carry on YELLING until you do.

11). In bed you MUST lie on your back so I can USE your boobs as a pillow. You MUST pull the blankets over me because it's COLD.

12). If you sleep on your side you MUST cuddle me until I go to sleep. I MUST be allowed to have my head on your pillow like you. I am HUMAN.

13). You will NOT breathe on me. You will NOT SNORE. If you do I will try and smother you with my paws over your face and nose. IF you CONTINUE, I will press harder.

"There be Rabbits out there"

Signed...

Kassia Carter

Another Blonde Moment

Yep - even though I dye my hair brunette, I'm still having blonde moments. It's a worry. My latest one involves food.

I'm on a diet at the moment - trying to shift the Christmas and pre Christmas tyre that one manages to put on every year. I've decided that there will be no Christmas food or drink in 2010. Lettuce and water only.

Anyway - I'm doing the Optifast diet plan. It's a replacement meal plan, but I am only replacing two meals a day (Breakfast and lunch). Meals come in 3 different forms, a shake, a bar, or some soup. I have all three to divvy it up a bit so I don't get bored, however, being summer I'm finding the soup a bit 'hot' to have.

As I'm sort of travelling also, I take all the sachets/bars out of the boxes and put them in one bag as room is at a premium.



I like the vanilla shakes at breakfast. To make them up, I add two teaspoons of instant coffee to the water (iced), then add the sachet powder. Shake it all up and I get a nice vanilla coffee for breakfast. It's quite a nice start to the day and you don't get hungry on it, providing you keep drinking water, or tea throughout the morning. You can buy coffee flavoured shakes, but they only come in packs of eight, and when you buy in packs of 21, it's much much cheaper. So this is why I do it this way.



Above is what the sachet looks like - quite plain.

Anyway - the other morning, I got up half asleep, grabbed the pack of vanilla shake. Went out to the kitchen. Added iced water to the shaker, added two tsps of coffee to the water, then added the vanilla sachet. Shook it alllllllll up. Poured it out. It looked fine.

Sip

Hmmmmmm it really doesn't taste right today but my brain couldn't register what was wrong. Perhaps it's different because I went out for dinner the night before and had pavlova, and now my taste buds are all up the wonk? So I tried it again

A Big mouthful that time! Ewwwwww, this really wasn't good, but finally my brain registered what it was...

It was this...



In my half awake state, I had grabbed the packet without looking at what I had grabbed!

Iced chicken soup with coffee? I wouldn't recommend it - ever!

But if it's any consolation - the packets do look similar.. Here they are side by side...



Oh, and I tipped it out and started again!!!

Auckland Zoo and the Mobility Scooter Saga

On Friday, I decided to head over to Auckland Zoo to try out my new camera. Parking the car, I limped into ticket booth and my ankle was sooooo sore just walking from the carpark to the entrance, that I decided to hire a mobility scooter from them.

At the information office, the conversation went something like this...

Me: "I'd like a mobility scooter if there's one free for today", pointing to my bandaged foot - "I have a sprained ankle and it might be easier for me to get around on one of the scooters"

Zoo Lady "Do you know how to drive one?"

Me: "I'm sure I can figure it out"

Zoo Lady: "Do you have a current drivers license"

Me: (very bemused) "Well I did drive to get here showing my car keys STILL in my hand"

Zoo Lady: "It $30 deposit which you get back when you return it"

Me: "That's fine" and I promptly pulled out my EFTPOS card to pay.

Zoo Lady: "Oh - it's EFTPOS - okay" so she wrote that down on the form. "We won't charge you then"

I started reading the form. I had to sign that I would *NOT* go into the Meercat Tunnels with the scooter. I found that hilarious too - anyone who has been in the Meercat tunnels would know that a mobility scooter would not FIT into the tunnels at all. There were a few more things I wasn't allowed to enter, but I didn't get a copy of the form, and once I had left the centre, I couldn't remember which ones they were.

Anyway - the long and short of it - I was shown what speed I was allowed to go (it was set with a pin so you couldn't go over that speed). There was a lever you press and the scooter goes. When you release the lever it stops. Another lever on the other side did the same for reverse. Hey - I need a current drivers license for that!!!! So I pressed the lever. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. My car goes somewhat faster than this!

Zoo lady then over-rode the pin and told me not to go into the 'red zone' as it would be too fast. She set it just before the red zone. I pressed the lever. Nothing happened. Finally she put it into the red zone and the mobility scooter started going. No faster she said. Now this was *slower* than walking pace. If I had been with anyone, they would have got very impatient at this speed.

Anyway, I decided to do as I was told and very very slowly took off. When I was out of sight of Zoo lady - I then upped the speed. A lot. Zoomed around the Zoo. I didn't kill anyone.

The mobility scooter was excellent for my sprained ankle, but I would love to remind Auckland Zoo that people who are disabled, are restricted only in mobility. Our brains work perfectly fine. I'm SURE that I do not need a current drivers license to buy one either, or in fact use it anywhere in any public place. I know of no ministry of transport mobility scooter exams, or road code. I truly believe it's simply courtesy and common sense you need to use one.

Whilst you provide an excellent service, you might like to overhaul the system a bit an stop treating people with mobility restrictions like idiots!

A Blonde Day

I think I should go back to bed before I do something so dumb that I won't ever be able to show my face again!!

I'm at present housesitting and looking after two cats. One is totally white, the other totally black. It really does look like the Black and White Minstrel show round here at times! Coco and Chai!

This morning when I got up, I went to turn on my laptop, and noticed that the white cat must have slept on the purple sofa all night because she had shed, as only white cats can do, nearly all her fur in this one spot. This meant I couldn't sit down as that would mean I would end up with white fur all over my black trousers. I had to sit in that place though as that's the only place that I can get onto the internet. Any other place means instant disconnection.

This is the same cat that I rescued as a kitten - you can read and see her at my blog... "The White Kitten"

Anyway - I got breakfast out of the way, then went down and got the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed all the white hairs off the sofa. Then I noticed there were white hairs all over my laptop so clever me decided to vacuum my laptop as well. Then I put the vacuum cleaner away, and sat down on the sofa to download my emails and chat to a good friend of mine over skype via text.

All was well and after a lengthy chat I finally noticed that I was missing a key off my laptop. The \ key, no less. Gone. All that was there was a little white square with a piece of rubber that you press to make the \ work. Why it took me an hour to notice this missing I don't know.

Getting it fixed at the computer place is out of question. I would be without my laptop for 3 weeks while they replace the key - definitely not worth it. So - down to the vacuum cleaner, got the bag out of it. It was full. There was nothing to do other than emptying all the dust and dirt into a plastic bag and going through it all to find this little black square. This is dust, hair, rubbish that's not mine - this is someone else's dust and dirt I had to go with through with a fine tooth comb - or rather my hands. Ugh. I did find it - right at the end. Cleaned up, washed the key, and proceeded to place it back on my laptop. My conversation with my friend now went something like this...

me: \\\\\\\\\\ \\ damn
friend (not to be outdone: \/\//\/\/\/\//\/\
me: \\ \\\\\\\ \\\\\ shit
friend: - try alt-92 that will work
me: groan, moan, grumble

I ended up finding my IT friend online and I'm going in to see if he can place the key back on my keyboard so 1). it works and 2). it's not wonky.

While moaning to my friend on skype about how blonde I was, I noticed a button on my laptop I had never seen before. Never - I had never noticed it. I've only had my laptop for 2 years. I'm wondering if buttons can grow overnight??

So I pressed it.

Boom - I was suddenly disconnected from the internet. Yep - it was the wireless button - you know the one with the squiggle that looks like "|" !!

Duh. Double Duh

I reconnected.

Friend: Where did you go?
me: No where
me: Wellllll actually....

I'm actually wondering where my brain is today. I think I should go back to bed.

I will never be an Air Traffic Controller!

I've always had a problem. Right through my life, this particular problem of mine has caused either great hilarity, extreme embarrassment or made me feel very dumb. Especially if it was pointed out (yet again) by my big brother. I thought I was alone.

You see - I cannot tell which way is left, from which way is right. I'm left/right challenged. If someone tells me to turn right, you have a 50/50 chance that I'll turn left instead.

I remember the day I was in the car showing someone where to go, and I was pointing left and saying ....

"turn right, right, turn right here - what are you doing? I said Turn right!"

My friend stopped the car and said quietly..

"I did turn right"

"But I was pointing too - didn't you see?"

"Show me which direction you were pointing" he asked

I pointed 'right' again.

"That's left" he said

'Oh' Silence. Then uncontrollable giggling.

See what I mean? It's a real real problem.

No matter how many people have given me tips to tell what is right or left, you 'write' with your 'right hand', and when you open the thumb and forefinger of your left hand it forms an 'L' for 'Left'. It makes no difference, none at all. I just can't get it.

So I've been googling for answers on the internet. There's nothing much out there that tells of the 'why', but there are some interesting facts and figures.

Firstly, I'm not alone. At least 15% of the population have some trouble with left and right. In fact researchers thing it may be as high as 26% as there is a certain number of the population that will not admit to having a problem for fear of ridicule. That certain number is... MEN! (If they don't like asking for directions - they're not about to admit they're left/right challenged!)

So - of those 15%, it is more likely that people with a left/right problem are Female. Researchers actually think it's more even that than but again, men won't admit they have a problem.

Research says it has nothing to do with IQ. I already knew that because I love maths and can solve complex programming problems when trying to manipulate data. But it's a relief that research backs it up. I can't wait to show this to my brother!!!

If you have a left/right problem - you are more likely to have poor map reading skills. This doesn't apply to me - as I can follow maps very easily having just self driven down the coast of California from San Francisco to San Diego not only in a strange country, but also driving on the opposite side of the road to what I'm used to!

If you have a left/right problem - you are more likely to be left handed. Again this doesn't apply to me as I am strongly right handed as shown in this online test I completed.

I got talking about this area with my friend Bron. She admitted she has a problem with vertical and horizontal. This probably means if we were to pilot a plane or spaceship, we probably shouldn't captain it together!

We found another online test that tests your left/right abilities and we both did it for comparison. The first test was up/down - nice and easy - both of us got a 10 second score for this one. The second test was left/right. Bron flew through it getting a score of about 11 seconds. But I found it incredibly hard, and scored a whopping 37 seconds for that. You can try it out yourself here . If you do the test, I would be interested in your results so please comment on this blog with them and tell me how you did.

I found the test incredibly challenging, that it almost hurt my head to figure it out. I'm sure if I had taken any longer, I would have ended up with a bad headache.

While all this is very interesting, I can find nothing about why. Why does my brain not allow me to see left or right correctly? With huge difficulties, I can eventually work it out, but it never has been, and probably never will be instantaneous like other people.

I do hope my surgeons are not one of the males that don't admit there is a problem of left and right. Maybe I should shave a big X into my head before next monday on the side I need the operation!!!

Just what part of DEAF do people not understand?

I'm still gobsmacked at the continuing sagas that happen around me when it comes to my deafness.

Two weeks ago I had the following conversation.

Person 1: "You should read Robyn's blog - it's hilarious"
Person 2: "Yep - Robyn you should write professionally"
Me: "Well - I would if someone would pay me!!"
Person 1: "I still can't believe some of the things she has to go through when people just can't get it that she's deaf and can't hear on the phone"

I then explained for the others who haven't read the blog, how my friend answered the phone for me one day, and explained calmly over thephone that I was deaf and couldn't her on the phone, yet they still insisted on talking to me. This went on for some time until my friend had to ask 'Just what part of DEAF do you not understand'.

I've told her that next time it happens just tell them I'm dead - it may be easier for them to understand why I can't come to the phone!!

Anyway person 3 pipes up...

Person 3: "Why don't you just get those flashing lights so you can tell when the phone rings"
Me:. (trying not to be sarcastic) "ooooo I didn't think of that" but then I had to explain to her "I still wouldn't be able to answer the phone at all as I can't hear on it to pick it up"
Person 3: (Realising she has made a mistake) "oooooooo of course giggle"
Person 3: "So why don't you just get an answerphone then?"

I gave up after that, while Person 1 was having trouble getting up of the floor as she was laughing so hard!

Then there's today. My alarm went off again today. At the moment, when my alarm goes off, my company that monitors the alarm rings my daughter to let her know that the alarm is going off. She told me when I got home that she had a missed call from the security company today.

So I get onto the internet relay and rang the Alarm company. Asked for someone to help me with my alarm, got put into one department. On talking to them, they then transferred me to the monitoring department. They promptly hung up on the relay operator. I had the relay operator ring back, and asked to be put through the monitoring company and the conversation went something like this...

Me:. Hi - My name is Robyn . I am totally utterly deaf. At present when my alarm goes off, you contact my daughter on her cellphone, however she's going overseas in a couple of weeks, so I need you to contact me instead. As I can't hear on the phone, can you text me on my cellphone?

Alarm company: "no"

Me: "Not at all"

Alarm company 'No"

Me: - "Well - as I'm totally deaf, is there some exception you can make in my circumstances, or some solution you could come up with to help me with this, otherwise I see absolutely no point of having my alarm monitored, and paying a monthly fee. Do you?"

Alarm company: "Well - we could fax you or email you"

Me: "Well - if my alarm is going off, the chances are that I am out, therefore I'm not home to pick up emails or faxes" (She has to be blonde right?)

I then asked for her manager, who then put me through to someone else.

The long and short of it is that Yes - the alarm company CAN txt me alarm alerts and will do so from now on. But... Fax? Email? That's hilarious! I think some staff training is necessary in this company!!!

In the meantime I know have 8 voice mail messages on my cellphone, of which I have absolutely no idea how to listen to. Sigh - probably should just delete them!

Special - Very Special - Save $$$

I was at Woolworths Northcote today doing my bi monthly grocery shop. Stopped in the meat section to get some chicken to stirfry up for dinner tonight.

I was attracted to the bright yellow SPECIAL stickers on the meat packs because I'm always looking out for ways to save money.

But hangon... Something not quite right....



I know people are suffering in the recession, but... 1 cent? Every single pack showed either 1 or 2c savings. That's it.

And there were some that were $4.57 down form $4.58. If you paid cash - then swedish rounding would mean you ended up losing any savings you make and paying more!

Unbelievable. I do question that they are breaking laws here in New Zealand for misleading advertising.

I did point it out to the butchery manager of the store. He didn't have a reasonable explanation. I then spoke to the Manager. They've taken my name and cellphone number and will get back to me. I will be very interested in what they have to say!!

Lipreading Misinterpreted? Or just bad Luck?

I've been advertising for flatmate. You know the story, recession, hard times, need something to help pay the mortgage. I really didn't want another student, as now that my daughter has left home, I'm ready to kick up my heels, and don't want to be tied down cooking meals for people every night of the week.

As I'm totally deaf now, and can no longer use a phone, I got my daughter to help me put up an advertisement on trademe, only giving out my cellphone (text only), and my email address. Despite saying 'Text Only' on the advertisement, my phone is chocker full of voice messages that I cannot listen to! My conclusion is that most people don't read properly.

Getting a flatmate was much harder than I thought it was going to be. First of all I got a smattering of young people looking for party flats. So I changed the advertisement to cut out those. Finally I started getting older people applying, but even that was not panning out. I often wondered if it was my hearing loss that put them off. But I will never know.

Finally I got someone who was interested. He came round to view the house and talked to me for about 15 minutes. About an hour later he texted me to say he would like the downstairs bedroom, and came back for another 15 minutes chat. He said he'd move in, in a couple of weeks, that he had just sold his house. It seemed the perfect flatmate as he works long long hours, and goes away overseas alot. We shook on it, and he left.

Later in the week I started getting emails from him which I thought a bit unusual. Nothing much - but just 'how are you today' emails. But I was polite and just repled things like 'busy' keeping it short and to the point but not unfriendly. A few days later he asked if he could come around on Sunday night. I thought perhaps he wanted to get to know me as a flatmate a bit better, so said he could. But then he started emailing more and more, and asking if my daughter was going to be home or not. I was starting to get a bit suspicious. When I questioned him, he said he was just wanting to get to know me a bit better so I put my suspicious out of my mind.

My daughter moved out of home on the Sunday morning. I started getting texts from this guy asking if my daughter had moved out yet. I replied yes. A few hours later he started asking if he could stay the night that night. I pointed out that my daughter had taken the bed and there was no where for him to sleep, so wait until he actually moved in properly.

His reply? No - I will sleep in your room thanks.

I replied to him that there is no way he'd be allowed to do that ever, that it was a flatmate position and NOTHING ELSE. No relationship, nothing. I was really angry.

He replied that he didn't want to sleep with me, just lie there with me, and didn't want a relationship.

Oh Man - that is soooooooooooo weird and creepy.

I told him tht I was not interested in him as a flatmate and he would not be moving in. I thought that would be the last of it. But oh no!

Several days went past without me hearing from him, then 2 days before he was due to move in, he started emailing me again. Every 5 minutes. He still wanted to move in. I replied No. He tried again. I replied No - what part of no do you not understand? Then he was emailing me every 5 minutes pleading, offering me free trips to Bangkok, to pay off my mortgage. Texting as well.

I realised then that there was no way out of this, as he had become absolutely fixated on me because I reminded me of his last partner. (that's what he said in an earlier email).

As a totally deaf person, living alone, this was making me feel quite vulnerable. So I rang the police via the internet relay. They got me to put all the emails and texts I had received into an email with the guys contact details. They took it very seriously indeed. They have rung him, and told him if he contacts me again, he will be arrested. They found out that his name wasn't the one he gave me. Which makes me wonder if he targets women living alone advertising in trademe.

Or he could simply have fallen in love with me - you know - my charm, inherent good looks, friendly personality, and maybe my big boobs!!! Or may be he got the wrong idea that I was interested in him simply because I had to stare at his lips to enable me to lipread?

Anyway - he hasn't contacted me again, and I have a lovely flatmate moving in on Thursday.

It's certainly been an eye opener!!!

Total Deafness Brings out my Evil Streak

I'm now totally deaf. I hear nothing. Nada. My cochlear implant processor has been relegated to a drawer until I can be reimplanted. This is not America where I can dial up private health insurance to get it done quickly - no private health insurance will touch anything to do with ears with a 10 foot barge pole. It makes me wonder if they think helping deafness is like cosmetic surgery. Ear job, boob job?

Instead I'm reliant on a Government Department to fund my reimplantation. I'm sure that Government Departments are the same world over, and work at one pace. Slow. Stifled with red tape and bureaucracy. New Zealand is no different.

Anyway. Being thrown into total deafness has its moments. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I laugh. I saw pity in the mans eyes at the supermarket. He stopped to help me pick out the best tomatoes - nice dear old man. He had a beard and tried to talk to me. I couldn't lipread him, so I pointed to my ears and told him I'm completely deaf. I didn't apologise for it. HIs eyes changed and I could see pity. But it's not pity I want. It's understanding. Go and shave off your moustache and beard, then try talking to me again.

Being totally deaf brings out my evil streak. I would like nothing better than to play a practical joke. You know those places that advertise free hearing tests? Oh how I would love to turn up there.

'I think my hearing has gone down a bit - could I sign up for a free hearing test'

And when they start testing...

'Have you started the test yet?'

'I think your equipment is malfunctioning'

'I can't hear I can't hear'!!

However, I can't bring myself to be this mean - I can only think about it. However if one of my friends knew an audiologist and wanted me to play a practical joke on them, I'd sign up straight away! But I couldn't be mean to stranger. Not today anyway.

Besides knowing my luck, I'd get one that didn't have a sense of humour!! So far I've only met a couple of audiologists that have my sense of humour. But I guess that's not so surprising as my humour is a bit out there!

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009

2009 is here. I didn't bother heralding the new year in, I watched a movie on TV then headed to bed early. My fault entirely - I ate some dark chocolate truffles. They gave me a headache. I needn't have gone to bed early - the headache kept me awake, and also next door was having a party and was playing the music loud. Obviously very loud. I couldn't hear anything, but my bed was shaking with it, even though all the windows were shut. I guess in a few years those neighbours will be on the waiting list for a cochlear implant!

In the last few days, the sound from my Implant has got worse. This must mean that the last 6 electrodes in my ear must be moving out. As I lay in bed last night, I couldn't help but think that this time last year, I was hoping for a new implant, and now exactly one year later, I'm hoping for the same thing. In the past 18 months, I've only heard 'semi-well' for about two months. I'm now avoiding people completely as I hate sitting in a room full of people, and not being able to talk to them. I smile my plasticy smile while inside all I want to do is go home. At least at home, I have my computer where I can catch up with people online, and that helps me not feel deaf. But out in the real world, that feeling of deafness is in my face all the time.

Even online though, I still get bombarded with ignorance. A friend messaged me on MSN the other day and asked me to help with sound through speakers as they weren't getting any. I had to point out several times that I was not the one to ask as I couldn't hear anything! Sigh!

I've decided my life is bi-polar. Not me, my life. It goes something like this..

January 2008 - sad - can't hear anything
February 2008 - I won a trip to the USA (whoo hoo)
March 2008 - New implant (whoo hoo)
April 2008 - in hospital with vertigo after the op :(
Aril 2008 - Switch on can hear 94% without lipreading (whoohoo)
July - Off to America (whoohoo)
August - Losing hearing :(
September - Implant failing
November - Blenheim trip for a week (whoohoo)
December - New Car given to me for Christmas (whoohoo)
December - still awaiting ACC funding - no news still deaf :(

See - Up down, up down, from one extreme to another, nothing is ever smooth.

The best thing I did in 2008 was I dyed my hair brunette. This meant I only had two blonde moments in 2008, compared to hundreds in 2007 as you can read here in the Bottled Blonde Moments of 2007

My two blonde moments were...

I met my friend Linda for a coffee in the new cafe on Takapuna Beach. I parked my car on the ramp. Had coffee. Chatted. It was lovely. Went back to the car and realised my keys weren't anywhere but still in the ignition of the locked car. Linda called Mike, who called Roadside Rescue and we went back to the cafe. On leaving the cafe as we met the Roadside Rescue guy I left my sunglasses on the table. Fortunately the waiter came after me, and I told him I was just testing him!!!

My second blonde moment was tripping over the dog in Blenheim and ending up in hospital with a groin strain injury getting crutches because I couldn't walk. Personally, I don't think that is a blonde moment, because the dog had 'got in behind' and I didn't know. Really when I think about it, it was the dog having a blonde moment. Apparently the dog is still in therapy!!

That's it - just two blonde moments, one from me, one from the dog. Dyeing my hair was obviously the best thing I ever did. Anne tells me I've done lots more but am just too old to remember them all. She'll keep!

My cat had a blonde moment the other day. I was walking past the piano, and at the time i was walking past, she decided to jump onto the piano stool. She jumped, and went straight into my knee, knocking my knees together and making me walk funny, then she fell and collapsed on the floor in a heap. It was hilarious, and I laughed so hard that she got all upset and miffed with me. I had to give her lots of cuddles after that, but it looked like something out of a comic or cartoon.

So goodbye 2008. there were lots of highs, and lots of mind numbing lows. Fortunately the highs were so good, I'll try and remeember those when the lows try and take over.

For 2009, I'm hoping to get my hearing back, win lotto, go to the SWC convention in Portland Oregon and visit Vancouver and Seattle, manage to get to Vietnam and visit my friend Jeffrey while he is still there, get fit, sell my house, build a new one somewhere etc.. A time of change.

Without the Lotto win though, it'll just be the hearingf and the getting fit!!!

My new year's resolution is to NEVER TO EAT DARK CHOCOLATE AGAIN. I still have the headache from the dark chocolate truffles.

Bad habits

I haven't met anyone yet that hasn't got a bad habit of some sort. I'm not talking about drugs, alcohol or nicotine addiction, although I've seen plenty of that. I'm talking about other things like things we collect, or things we do. I think we all have something, some of them might be shameful and dark, and hidden from others, others hilarious.

I am no different, and I'm addicted or collect a few things.

1). Icecream
2). Lipsticks
3). Camera Equipment and shops that stock those
and 4). Cactus Bruce and the Corporate numbers and Mr Driller (4th equal)

Icecream is my biggest downfall. I dare not have any in the house, as I cannot stop at one scoop. I have to have 2 or maybe 3. I've been known to have four. And then there's the different toppings too - caramel sauce, real choclate melted over it, milo, coffee powder, or even kahlua. Sigh. Best I leave it at the supermarket where I cannot be tempted. However, I still crave it every day.

Lipsticks is my next thing. I had managed to keep this one a secret until a few weeks ago. Actually I thought all females had lots of lipsticks so I put up a poll on my deviantart site to see if I was any different. Sad to say I'm really in the minority when it comes to lipsticks. 137 people answered the poll 55 males (40%) and 82 females (60%). Three of the males said they were male but still had lipsticks, but they didn't tell me how many. (5%).

Of the 82 females, the majority owned just 1 to 5 lipsticks (48% and 1 to 2 lipsticks and 27% had 3 to 5 lipsticks). I feel really bad now, but at least I wasn't alone in the number I did have. Ok ok - I'll own up. At the time of the poll I had 52 lipsticks. I've since gone out and bought 2 more, and got another one for Christmas - so I know have 55 lipsticks. In the poll there were 2 others with that many so 4% of females have over 50 lipsticks.

The first question I get asked is - what do you do with them all? Well - I use every single one. Just not all at once!! I do blend in several colours sometimes getting a colour I truly like and I like the colours to match the clothes I'm wearing at the time. And no I probably don't need over 50 to do that - but it really did get out of hand when I went to the USA. Lipsticks are sooooo cheap over there. The L'Oreal brand that I love costs $22 for one here. In the US at any CVS Pharmacy they are always on the sale - 2 for $8. The exchange rate back then was $1 us was $0.80c NZD so I stocked up. In both 2006 and in 2008. Hence my lipstick collection truly grew. I actually did buy for others but couldn't bear to part with them when I got home!!! It's the thought that counts right? Heck - if I lived it the US I would probably buy the whole range!!!

Thats probably the only 'female' or 'girly' thing I do as I hate shopping for clothes, and I don't collect creams or lotions for the face or body like my other friends.

But I let myself down again when I go anywhere near a camera shop. Come to think of it, I can't walk past any shop that has appliances, computer equipment, or cameras. I'm drawn to those like a guy is drawn to anything on wheels. And I can't just walk in and out, I have to compare prices, look at everything, compare specifications, drool, drool again, take a long hard look at something else, before I can walk calmly out again, hopefully without breaking the bank.

B&H Camera & Video in New York is the best place in the world. I could live in that store. If I'm ever homeless, that is where you'll find me. Amongst the cameras of course - Canon SLR section with all the lenses. Drool. We spent a day in New York in August this year, and several hours was spent in that store alone. I nearly broke the bank that time, it took alllll my strength to walk out of there only spending $600 and only $200 of that was for me. My Visa card was absolutely SCREAMING to be used, it kept leaping out of my wallet and clutching at my hand pointing to the canon 40D, the MPE65mm Lens, and the 400mm lens. I had to bury it in the bottom of my handbag and stuff it with tissues to stop it from screaming. The noise of it was affecting the other shoppers!

Lastly, there are two computer games I'm addicted to. Both are absolute time wasters. Mr Driller was a playstation one game we had way back and I learnt to play it, and play it well many years ago. Fortunately the playstation is old and we hardly use it now - we never were tempted to buy playstation 2 or 3. My friend Broni reminded me of Mr Driller a few weeks ago, so I googled it. Very unfortunately, I found it and now play it over the internet. Broni has a lot to answer for. I'm thinking of billing her for my drilling time!! I definitely would if she could afford it!! It's all her fault. The game is simple, you have to drill through blocks, but you have to be careful of lone blocks falling that can crush you, and you can't run out of air - you must drill down, find the trapped air and grab that so you can keep going. I can get to about 1000 metres before I die. And then I try again, and again, sigh!

The other game is my brothers fault He put it on my laptop when I bought it. It's called Cactus Bruce and the corporate monkeys and it's really really addictive. YOu have to catch monkeys and fire them at different obstacles and make your way through 90 levels. You have to avoid being hit by coconuts that the monkey's are throwing at you, grab at blue socks to make your arm faster, and avoid green turtles which will slow you down. If a coconut hits you, you die and the monkeys giggle. The giggling is so annoying I have to play with the sound off. If you fire a monkey and it doesn't hit anything it screams as it goes out to space - which is hilarious. Once you are through the first 90 levels, you can go to the next level of hardness. Their are four hardness levels - of which bonanza is insanely difficult - and I've gone from having one million points then being stuck on one level, and ending up with minus 1 million points in a matter of hours.

I thinking of taking it off my computer, as I have 60gb of photographic files I have to work on. And there's the gardening, and the housework that needs to be done as well. There are blogs to write, and people to see.

Oh heck - I can't hear anything anyway - I think I"ll go and play another game of Mr Driller!

It's one of THOSE days today!

Daylight savings started a week or so ago. All my clocks in the house were changed, but I never did get round to changing my watch. I've just been adding an hour every time I wanted to know the time. From past experience I should have known I'd stuff up eventually.

Yesterday was my birthday and I was out with my Dad and his wife. We were sitting in a cafe when we checked the time and found that they too hadn't forwarded their watches. So we all forwarded our watches together. A real 'family' moment!!!

Roll on to this morning. I woke up at 8.15am, added a hour. OMG - it's 9.15am - my car has to be at the carpainters 15 minutes ago. Jumped in the shower, came downstairs, grabbed my keys and put my sunglasses on and grabbed a banana. Was about to head out the door when I glanced at the kitchen clock - 8.30am! Groan - so I decided to have breakfast.

Banging around in the kitchen getting breakfast, I was wondering why everything was sooooo dark inside. Turned on the light - still dim. Weird. Eventually it dawned on me that I still had my sunglasses on!!! Duh!

I don't like how my day is turning out. Perhaps I should go back to bed???

Does this mean that at 47, there is no hope. I've spent the whole year thinking I was 47, so thats okay - I don't think I've aged, but maybe my brain is wired differently. I'm already using all my fingers and toes twice over to count my age - it's getting more and more difficult to keep with it - perhaps I should just think of a number, and that will be my age for the rest of my life. Would make it so easy.

Okay - a nice easy number - any suggestions anyone??

Bothersome Boobs

My boobs are the bane of my life. All my life I've wished for small ones. You know, the pert little A or B cups. After all - more than a handful is wasted isn't it?

But it's not to be. Genetics, DNA, parental heritage, you name it - means my upper half is out of proportion to my lower half. Which is why I have no balance. It's absolutely nothing to do that my docs have destroyed my vestibular balance system, it's simply because I'm top heavy.

When I go round a corner, the first thing anyone sees is my boobs. I follow around 5minutes later.

When guys talk to me they talk to my chest. I often have to click my fingers at eye level and say 'helloooo - I'm up here'

I know big boobs can turn a guy on - but why is it that the machines they make also get turned on? In public toilets I only have to walk past a hand dryer, and it starts going.

My daughter was born in winter. Going outside was terrible - Supersize frozen milkshakes are no fun. The pain indescribable. For those small boobed women who don't believe me - try packing your brassiere up with ice and go hang out the washing!! Men should try this too.

I once joked they were so big they could turn lights on. So after a night of sipping wine with my girlfriends a few years back, we all had a go - and sure enough, I was the only one who could flick a light switch with them. Guess it would come in handy if I ever lost my arms. (I don't do demonstrations!)

I took up running 18 months ago. At first my boobs not only knocked me out several times, but also knocked over several pedestrians, a few cyclists, and a couple of inline skaters. Bra manufacturers were alerted and now supply a bra that can superglue your boobs in place. These are the amazing Wobble Busters, that come in three colours, and use the technology from the manufacturers of quick cement.
QUICK-SETTING CEMENT Specially formulated to set hard in 5 to 10 minutes. For making repairs where high strength and rapid setting are required. For making repairs to highway pavement, bridges, tunnels, culverts, pre-stress panels, curbs, floors, steps, loading docks, concrete pipe, sewers, retaining walls, swimming pools, septic tanks, wobbly bits etc.

The closest I've had to a boob reduction was when I went to Zion Wildlife Gardens in Whangarei and had a cub encounter with a five month old male white tiger cub. I asked the ranger if I could sit down next to him. After getting permission, I sat next to the feisty young male, who promptly decided to play. He grabbed hold of the nearest thing that stuck out the most and sank his teeth into them. My boob. He drew blood. It was painful. I had to grin and bear it, afterall, the ranger couldn't exactly put his hand on it could he? However, I wear my scar with pride it's not every day that you get bitten by an endangered white tiger and live to tell the tale!

I live in hope that someone comes up with some vanishing cream!

Cheers
Robyn

PS - Bron insisted I write this up!

I am no longer blonde!

Yep - I went dark overnight. Better than going gray over night that's for sure. The bottle said Golden Brown. I'm now just a slightly lighter shade from my Seal Burmese. Twins.

My burmese is quite bizarre. Being bizarre is a prerequisite in this household. Her bizarre behaviour is to sit on your head. When she does this on my head now, she'll be totally camouflaged. Which is probably a good thing as we don't want to give visitors the wrong idea!!

Anyway - now I'm a lovely dark brown, there will be no more blonde moments. No longer will I do stupid things like those listed here. I will not dribble, or lock my keys in the car in a remote place, or do all those stupid things like that I did in 2007. I'm brunette - brunettes don't have blonde moments - heck, they don't even have brunette moments - they're sensible, calm, and never put a foot wrong.

I look forward to my calm sensible brunette life, I know it's okay as it's already been 24 hours. So far so good...

Cheers
Robyn

Perky Boobs

I’m intrigued.

Several times now I’ve seen advertisements for breast firming lotion. A lotion that you rub all over your breasts, which promises, after only 3 weeks, that your breasts will be nicely toned and firm. To add to this, the lotion shows pictures of firm looking perky breasts with models not wearing bras. Oh how I yearn for those days again!

So, I bought some to try, after all, I’m 46 now, and having breastfed my daughter, mine aren’t exactly perky or nubile looking anymore. When I take off my bra at night before bed, they point down to my knees. And worse still, when I lie on my back, I can’t see them at all – they disappear under my armpits somewhere!

So for three weeks I have religiously rubbed this lotion into my breasts.

And, miraculously, after three weeks, wouldn’t you know it, but absolutely nothing has changed!! I wonder if I should sue the manufacturer for false advertising? Lawsuits are popping up everywhere for the most mundane things – like suing McDonalds for making you obese, and smokers suing the tobacco companies for their addiction, why shouldn’t I sue the manufacturer for false promises of nice looking perky boobs?

Perhaps I’m not using enough! Perhaps the amount of lotion you need to use, has to increase with the number of years you are, multiplied by your Cup size. This means that I probably need to use 184 tubes of this stuff each night. Plastic surgery would probably be cheaper and less messy! It’s bad enough having to go to bed with cucumbers and teabags on our eyes to stop puffiness, cold cream on our face for smoothness, let alone all this lotion for perky boobs as well. Maybe the only way it works if you walk around on your hands?

Having just had my cochlear implant operation though, I’m in no mood for any type of surgery, so I’ll just have to keep my downward pointers forever!

Please note that there are no photographs of this trial. And there is unlikely to be any, ever, unless I can find a cream that works. So if you want to see photographs of perky boobs you will have to go elsewhere, or send me more lotion!

My Evil Streak Part III

The last practical joke I played that came off really hilarious was on my 40th birthday. Unfortunately, I was once again in hospital with terrible vertigo, and doctors were trying to settle it down. I wasn’t able to eat a thing, hadn’t eaten for weeks, and was losing a lot of weight, so a week before my birthday my doctor put a tube down my nose and into my stomach to make sure I got some sort of sustenance. Well – it was probably the most unpleasant experience I’ve ever had, and needless to say I had to seek revenge!!

I was pretty upset anyway that I wasn’t well enough to go home for my birthday, and my physiotherapist at the hospital, knowing it was my birthday, asked me if there was anything I would like to do. I’m not sure that helping me play a practical joke was what she had in mind though, however, once I told her the plan, she threw her life and soul into the task to help in getting it set up.

The morning of my birthday, she arrived in my room half an hour before doctors rounds. She persuaded the nurse to unhook my ‘food’ and drip. We then placed a skeleton in the bed, and hooked up skeleton to my drip and ‘food’. I then hid around the corner, while she went to the head nurse and told her that doctors rounds MUST start at my end of the ward this morning. Now Alison, the head nurse, usually knows EVERYTHING that goes on in the ward, and she wasn’t sure why we had to start at our end, but was intrigued enough to take heed of the physio!

As the doctors came down the hallway, I could hear them discussing my case, and then they walked into my room. There was absolute stunned silence!

“You look decidedly unwell this morning Robyn” said my doctor, then roars of laughter rung out.

“I think we need to change your medication” he said!

They then found me around the corner, sang me happy birthday, and wanted to know how I could pull this off under their noses without them knowing!! It helped having an end room near an exit door! I wanted to know why they would change the medication AFTER I had become skeletal, and not before – it’s a bit of a worry! Lots of photos and laughs for the rest of the day too.

I’m now planning my next practical joke for after the my upcoming Cochlear Implant surgery. Most Cochlear Implant surgery these days only has a small incision, however when I was implanted 15 years ago, I had the huge big C shaped one, with half my head shaved off. Unfortunately, they have to use the same incision for this one otherwise they might cut off the blood supply to the flap. (Or brain as someone pointed out – I pointed this wouldn’t be so as I think the blood supply to the brain was cut off years ago!!.)

This means that after the cochlear implant operation, I’m going to look like Johnny Rotten the punk rocker again, shaved head, staples, and big incision. Soooooo when I go and get the staples out and have my check up at my surgeon’s clinic, I’ve enlisted the help of a friend to gel up my hair into a mowhawk, spray bright colours into it, and I have been collecting black mini skirts, chains, studded collars, safety pins to make a chain from ears, a nose ring, boots, bright pink socks etc.. etc….

Yep – I’m going as a punk rocker to shock the doc!!

Photos will be posted on the blog after the event!