Friday, April 4, 2008

Perky Boobs

I’m intrigued.

Several times now I’ve seen advertisements for breast firming lotion. A lotion that you rub all over your breasts, which promises, after only 3 weeks, that your breasts will be nicely toned and firm. To add to this, the lotion shows pictures of firm looking perky breasts with models not wearing bras. Oh how I yearn for those days again!

So, I bought some to try, after all, I’m 46 now, and having breastfed my daughter, mine aren’t exactly perky or nubile looking anymore. When I take off my bra at night before bed, they point down to my knees. And worse still, when I lie on my back, I can’t see them at all – they disappear under my armpits somewhere!

So for three weeks I have religiously rubbed this lotion into my breasts.

And, miraculously, after three weeks, wouldn’t you know it, but absolutely nothing has changed!! I wonder if I should sue the manufacturer for false advertising? Lawsuits are popping up everywhere for the most mundane things – like suing McDonalds for making you obese, and smokers suing the tobacco companies for their addiction, why shouldn’t I sue the manufacturer for false promises of nice looking perky boobs?

Perhaps I’m not using enough! Perhaps the amount of lotion you need to use, has to increase with the number of years you are, multiplied by your Cup size. This means that I probably need to use 184 tubes of this stuff each night. Plastic surgery would probably be cheaper and less messy! It’s bad enough having to go to bed with cucumbers and teabags on our eyes to stop puffiness, cold cream on our face for smoothness, let alone all this lotion for perky boobs as well. Maybe the only way it works if you walk around on your hands?

Having just had my cochlear implant operation though, I’m in no mood for any type of surgery, so I’ll just have to keep my downward pointers forever!

Please note that there are no photographs of this trial. And there is unlikely to be any, ever, unless I can find a cream that works. So if you want to see photographs of perky boobs you will have to go elsewhere, or send me more lotion!


Bron said...

Hehe! Tell you what, since mine are perfect :-) I'll loan them to you ... so long as you loan me your camera and either your fantastic photographic talent or wonderful gift for writing. And no, I am not going to supply any photo either!

Jim said...

My wife complains that her boobs are not perky enough for me. I told her, "What?, no, they are beautiful as they are and I make them perky".

I don't know why women are working so hard to make their bodies better when in reality, we can't. We men have the same problem in certain areas which I am not liberty to discuss (LOL).

Thanks for being brave and sharing this with us. This shows you are very human like the rest of us. :)

Jennifer said...

I've always been about halfway tempted to try those poor little flat chested self needs all the help I can get. Thanks for being the guinea pig and trying it out for me...awfully good of you! :)

gnarlydorkette said...

Thanks for shedding some light on this false ads. Thanks for saving me a couple of bucks!

And it is not the age; it is gravity. I am 22 years old and I cannot see my breasts while lying down either.

Only if there is a base on the Moon that I can move to and defy the laws of gravity!

Paul said...

Dang! Here I was all revved up, and no pictures??? ;)

And hey, a little known fact of Newton's law is that gravity gets stronger the older you get (what does that cream do to a guy, BTW?)

Great post, thanks for sharing. ;)

And the secret word today is:


Liz said...

Well, surgery hasn't dampened your sense of humor, I see. Bully for you!! (and thanks for the chuckle)

Abbie said...

Who wants perky boobs! We have over the shoulder boulder holders to keep them perky! Victoria Secrets push up bras will put them up to your neck. It does wonders.

Besides they are more a weapon when they are low and loose. One quick turn to the side can knock anyone out :)