Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Bothersome Boobs

My boobs are the bane of my life. All my life I've wished for small ones. You know, the pert little A or B cups. After all - more than a handful is wasted isn't it?

But it's not to be. Genetics, DNA, parental heritage, you name it - means my upper half is out of proportion to my lower half. Which is why I have no balance. It's absolutely nothing to do that my docs have destroyed my vestibular balance system, it's simply because I'm top heavy.

When I go round a corner, the first thing anyone sees is my boobs. I follow around 5minutes later.

When guys talk to me they talk to my chest. I often have to click my fingers at eye level and say 'helloooo - I'm up here'

I know big boobs can turn a guy on - but why is it that the machines they make also get turned on? In public toilets I only have to walk past a hand dryer, and it starts going.

My daughter was born in winter. Going outside was terrible - Supersize frozen milkshakes are no fun. The pain indescribable. For those small boobed women who don't believe me - try packing your brassiere up with ice and go hang out the washing!! Men should try this too.

I once joked they were so big they could turn lights on. So after a night of sipping wine with my girlfriends a few years back, we all had a go - and sure enough, I was the only one who could flick a light switch with them. Guess it would come in handy if I ever lost my arms. (I don't do demonstrations!)

I took up running 18 months ago. At first my boobs not only knocked me out several times, but also knocked over several pedestrians, a few cyclists, and a couple of inline skaters. Bra manufacturers were alerted and now supply a bra that can superglue your boobs in place. These are the amazing Wobble Busters, that come in three colours, and use the technology from the manufacturers of quick cement.
QUICK-SETTING CEMENT Specially formulated to set hard in 5 to 10 minutes. For making repairs where high strength and rapid setting are required. For making repairs to highway pavement, bridges, tunnels, culverts, pre-stress panels, curbs, floors, steps, loading docks, concrete pipe, sewers, retaining walls, swimming pools, septic tanks, wobbly bits etc.

The closest I've had to a boob reduction was when I went to Zion Wildlife Gardens in Whangarei and had a cub encounter with a five month old male white tiger cub. I asked the ranger if I could sit down next to him. After getting permission, I sat next to the feisty young male, who promptly decided to play. He grabbed hold of the nearest thing that stuck out the most and sank his teeth into them. My boob. He drew blood. It was painful. I had to grin and bear it, afterall, the ranger couldn't exactly put his hand on it could he? However, I wear my scar with pride it's not every day that you get bitten by an endangered white tiger and live to tell the tale!

I live in hope that someone comes up with some vanishing cream!


PS - Bron insisted I write this up!


Bron said...

What, no photo?!

Ha ha! That is the funniest thing I have read this year.

WendyC said...

This is wonderful, you should be a comedian!

p.s alot of men talk to the chest regardless of the size , i can remember having the same problem with my X father inlaw and i'm a C cup ;>)


Robyn, you write wonderful comedy!

LS said...

Aha I feel you!

Your boobs comedy applies to my life everyday!

I feel better that I am not alone..
ha ha.

Love your writing.

(.) (.)

Dyniece said...

As a fellow user of the industrial-strength rubber bands, this blog made me laugh out loud!! Your blogging style is so great!! Thanks for the laugh.

David said...

Robyn, this post is so funny! You have a gift in writing this stuff!
My wife is the same and she complains tons.
BTW, I have a personal trainer and am working towards a 5k race on October 5th.
The run for the cure.
Went to park on Saturday and kicked soccer ball around. Training 3 days a week.
I owe it your inspiration!

I thank you again!

Anonymous said...

My boobs are in proportion. However, when I had my third child they certainly weren't. I was 25 and I went to a 42DD and unable to do my bra up on a size 12 frame (yeah believe I was that slim). My boobs pointed out so pokey too as they were so full of milk. (My doctor was worried because I had so much!) I could create fountains with those boobs!!!

Of course now that I'm getting closer to 60 they are all floppy. I've contemplated tying rubber bands around my nipples and up over behind my neck just for life support. :-) Felicity

Kim said...

HAHA! This was hilarious!


Anonymous said...

This was so funny, certaintly put a smile on my face. I honestly cant say that I relate to this problem. :P

Helena Fortissima said...

Priceless, Robyn! I have the opposite problem. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side? :-)

Anonymous said...

Lol Helena - most likely the grass is greener on the other side for sure :)